The 2 most common mistakes we make in a relationship;
- A man tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr.Fix-It & offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
My comment: Ehmmm....Yes.Sometimes I feel so.He just didn't listen & seems cannot understand.He lacks of empathy.
- A woman tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the Home-Improvement Committee & offering unsolicited advice & criticism.
My comment: OMG!I didn't realized it.It's my habit.All the time.I thought it's a good thing to do,all this while...and he never said that he hates it,so I used to think I might just keep on telling (or in fact insisting) him to do this & that,according to my standards...Arghh...I made a mistake!
Well,according to John Gray,it's ok to be Mr.fix-It or Home-Improvement Committee,but it is very much depends on the TIMING & APPROACH.A woman greatly appreciates Mr.Fix-It,as long as it doesn't come out when she is upset.Means,Mr.Hubby need to remember that when I'm upset & talk about problems,it's not the time to offer solutions;instead I just need to be listened,notto be fixed.In that way,I will be better by my own.Hehehe......
Whilst,a man greatly appreciates the Home-Improvement Committee,as long as it is requested.Means,I need to remember that,unsolicited advice & criticism-especially if he has made a mistake-will only make him feel unloved & controlled.(ohhh...poor my dearie).In fact,he needs my acceptance more than my advice (oh God,can I really change this attitude??)in order for him to learnfrom his mistakes.And one truth about this,when a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him,he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.(ohhh how sweet!!)
WHEN OUR PARTNET RESISTS US,IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE WE HAVE MADE A MISTAKE IN OUR TIMING & APPROACH
He gives examples of few statements that a man/woman might make that will lead to resistance between each other.
WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN'S SOLUTION (when a man says.....)
- "It's not such a big deal." (he always take little things for granted)
- "Ok,I'm sorry.Now can we just forget it?" (i think he just want to stop argument,instead of solving it)
- "So what are you trying to say?" (in other words, come-on,you are wasting my time)
- "All right,I'll clean-up the backyard.Does that make you happy?" (no sincerity)
- "If you are going to complaint about doing it,then don't do it." (kita ni takleh bangkang langsung)
WHEN A MAN RESISTS A HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE (when a woman says....) I don't understand in some of the examples here,I mean,I did honestly ask Mr.Hubby & he said,he's ok with most of the statements..
- "You hair is getting kind of long,isn't it?" (Aiii..ni pun takleh tanya ke?)
- "There's a parking spot over there.Turn the car around." (i think this a nice help & Mr.Hubby is always hoping for this..)
- "You should call a plumber.He'll know what to do." (haa..this one might be true.he possibly feels being mistrusted in doing/fixing things)
- "Next time we should read the movie review." (he will feel unappreciated)
- "Your shirt doesn't match with your pants." (Well,Mr.Hubby is kind of be thankful to me by saying this..)
..and a few other examples more.Maybe I should read in more details in the coming chapters. For the time being,a cup of Chamomile Tea will give me a pure relaxation....ehmmmm....